dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
