he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
