So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
