I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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