I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
