so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
