omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
