Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
