I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
