Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
no, he came in my armpit
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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