I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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