Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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