thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
We smell like vodka and hangover
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
