I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
