mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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