I must be too annoying 4 u.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
