"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
