ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize