I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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