I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
