trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
