the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
