I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
be right there i have to get my cape
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
