dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
home. puking in laundry basket.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize