Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
