i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
