my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
