You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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