I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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