Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Randomize
