I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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