walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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