Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
So much Jack, so little girl.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We're too hungover to prance.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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