so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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