My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
