just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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