cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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