I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
