Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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