Say something about gay babies.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
