grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
