i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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