It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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