I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
