I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
