oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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