What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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