Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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