Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
