You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
