I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Can't talk, ducks in the car
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
