I can text with my tongue
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
