i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
