She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
My liver just had a heart attack.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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