i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
We left an ass print on the piano.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
