You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
