Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
