the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
