I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
