of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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