yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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